Discipline instead of Punishment

Many of us think that discipline and punishment are the same. They are not.

What is discipline?

Discipline is guidance and teaching. It is the parent’s job to discipline their children. When we guide children towards positive behaviour and learning, we are promoting a healthy attitude. Parents need to teach standards, values and appropriate behaviours to respond to various situations in life. Discipline requires thought, planning, and patience. Positive guidance will encourage a child to think before she acts.

What is punishment?

Punishment is just a type of discipline. However, this is ineffective and mostly thoughtless. Punishment is usually hitting, spanking, or any form of behavioural control. There are normally 4 type of punishment:

Physical - Caning, slapping, spanking, hitting etc with a belt or ruler and so on.
Verbal - Shaming, name-calling, criticism, insulting or using derogatory words.
Remove incentive - e.g. "You can't go play with your neighbours if your homework is not done."
Penalty - e.g. "You can't have your pocket money because you didn’t get a perfect score for your spelling test."

Punishment causes three main reactions in children: I term it 3F.

• Fright – the child feels frightened of you and may, in the short term, comply. Parents should guide children to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. Definitely not because doing it because they are afraid of us.
• Flight – a child might leave home. Or she might flee psychologically by not talking to parents. They will often choose to stop conversing with you.
• Fight – a child might fight back trying to save her face. This will lead to arguments and power struggles.
  

Why then do we still use punishment? This is usually because it's quick and easy. It also asserts authority, or simply we do not know of other better methods.

None of these punishing acts will encourage cooperation or improve the parent-child relationship.

On the other hand, discipline – teaching, modeling, guiding, training etc. – can influence and shape children’s behaviour. It encourages cooperation and improves the parent child relationship.

Tips on Controlling Child Tantrums For Parents

How can parents control toddlers who are easily prone to throwing tantrums in public and at home?

Young children lead very exciting and challenging lives. They have to learn everything from crawling, eating with utensils, drinking from a cup. They need to learn how to walk and be courteous and nice to everyone! Then they have to learn and realise that there are things that they cannot have.

Can you imagine their frustration of walking through Toy'sRus and superstores that are full of fascinating toys and yummy candies and all they hear is "No, no, no, Cannot, cannot, cannot"! When their frustration reaches levels they cannot handle, they have what we call "tantrums".

When a child is in full-blown temper tantrum, it is important for parents to realise that he/she is beyond reason. To try and argue with him/her out of the tantrum situation or yell at the child will just cause more emotions.

The most effective tool that a parent has for dealing with tantrums is to avoid them. Below are several tips:

(a) If you are taking your children on shopping trips, be sure to plan something suitable for them too (e.g. time to play in the child-play section or game room at the shopping mall).

(b) Give them warnings such as "In 15 minutes' time, we need to go".

(c) Have activities, snacks, toys available to keep them occupied there are long waits you can't avoid.

(d) Explain the situation such as "Let's get back because Daddy will be home and looking for us".

(e) At home, if the child's tantrum is to seek attention, then best bet is to ignore.

Hope these few tips are helpful in your parenting role.

Spare The Rod and Spoil The Child?

In a survey conducted by Singapore Children's Soceity last year that comprised interviews with > 500 children aged 10 to 12 and their parents, it was noted that reasoning with your children works better than physical punishment.

The survey results which were released to the public 2 days ago also concluded that; to a child, to be told he is not loved is a far worse punishment than being smacked by his parents.

So you might want to question the effectiveness of the 'rod' or cane in this age.

Social workers and educators that advocate the reasoning approach, highlighted that it takes more effort, time and patience to reason with your child as compared to physical punishment or emotional blackmail and threats. Using physical or emotional disciplinary measures are "easy options" but are noted to be less effective, especially to the notorious/naughty children.

There are other aspects to the survey, which I hope to share with you in future posts once I have the full results/findings.